I can't concentrate. I try. I really do. But it doesn't work. I have this essay due tomorrow. It isn't long. It isn't all that hard (though I am having a hard time really understanding the project). I just can't seem to actually work on it.
I have been having this problem a lot lately. I think I am burning out on school. I have been in school for so long, it is hard to think of not going to school. And I am not getting anywhere. I am 21 and I don't even have an Associate degree. I am not on the path to a bachelor's degree. I am just kind of stagnant. I hate this feeling. The feeling of not going anywhere. Stuck in a dead end job. Going to school more because I like the idea than because I actually like the experience.
The problem is, I am not a self starter. I have to have some incentive (past just personal growth) in order to do something. I get up because I have to go to work. Or I have to meet friends. If I could, I think I would lie in bed and watch tv and movies all day. And that is what really scares me: Turning into my mother. And so I press forward and forward and forward and forward, with no clear idea of where I am going. I am supposed to have it all together. I am supposed to be on the path to success. I did everything right. I got good grades in High School. I got into a good university, with a partial scholarship for academics. But I went wrong somewhere. I got scared. I got scared of owing so much money. I got scared of where that university was leading me. Truth be told, I didn't really fit in at that school. I had a group of friends who also didn't fit in, but looking at the big picture, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Wasting money and spiraling down into this pit that I find myself in now. 21 years old. Still living at home. And completely lost. And alone.
I know this is all very depressing, and I'm sorry. Thank you if you lasted this long. I know that my emo rants even bore me, haha. It is just that the time to sign up for classes is coming up, and I am kind of at a crossroads in deciding what to do. What I really want to do is just drive away. Bring some books, my ipod and a car charger and just drive somewhere. The problem with that is that I need money, I can't just leave my job, and I wouldn't want to go alone. It is all great in the books, but in real life I am a single woman and it isn't safe to stay with strangers. Sometimes I feel like I have missed my youth. And I think I have in some ways. Oy, enough with the depressing. As a reward for those who have actually read all of this (honestly, I would be happy if someone read any of this), I will stop talking. haha. Nah, how about a bad joke instead? What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver? One goes whack and then says "damn" and one says "damn" and then goes whack. :D
Peace, Joe
19 April 2010
13 April 2010
I Think The Stress Is Getting To Me
I'm sick...I think. I cycle between feeling really sick (nausea, dizziness, weakness, cough, headache), being really freakin hungry, and being so energetic I can't sit still. It makes no sense. I even called in sick to work yesterday (a big deal for me). I sat around the house cycling through these different phases and getting absolutely nothing done. Ugh. My theory is that it is stress. I stress about pretty much everything. A gift from my pessimistic father. Thanks dad.
On a happier note, two of my best friends are back home and that makes me so happy! I am really glad for both of them, since they are dating and haven't seen each other in almost a year and a half. I am also glad for me, because I like having friends to hang out with (strange, I know). I can get along with almost anyone, but it is hard for me to make friends. I am different and I like that I am different. However, I've been lonely a lot in my life, and it is really nice to have friends who I know will always be there for me. Honestly, I trust them more than I trust my family (it sounds sad, but if you knew my family you would understand why). Time for a wicked cheesy quote: "friends are the family we choose." Don't say I didn't warn you. haha.
Peace, Joe
On a happier note, two of my best friends are back home and that makes me so happy! I am really glad for both of them, since they are dating and haven't seen each other in almost a year and a half. I am also glad for me, because I like having friends to hang out with (strange, I know). I can get along with almost anyone, but it is hard for me to make friends. I am different and I like that I am different. However, I've been lonely a lot in my life, and it is really nice to have friends who I know will always be there for me. Honestly, I trust them more than I trust my family (it sounds sad, but if you knew my family you would understand why). Time for a wicked cheesy quote: "friends are the family we choose." Don't say I didn't warn you. haha.
Peace, Joe
10 April 2010
Wait, You Want To Do What?
I have recently learned about this thing called NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). Pretty much, you write a 50,000 word novel in the month of november. It's crazy. It's rediculous. I want to do it. I can't help it. I like to write, but I always get so overwhelmed with the amount of attention and detail and time it requires. I start, but I never really finish. The point of nanowrimo is that you lower your standards and just write the novel. Yeah, it may be crap. But you get it done and that provides growth and experience. And really, what an experience. I know it is a little under 7 months away, but I figure why not start practicing by writing other things, so I may post some short stories or something. I'm kind of excited now.
Peace, Joe
Peace, Joe
08 April 2010
Well, That Was Rude
Hey, what's up? oh, nothing? That's cool...though that gives me no ammo with which to further this conversation...
Sorry, I have had a rediculous amount of conversations start out awkwardly lately becuase people respond like this. I do it too, but I think I am going to start answering in more exciting ways. You know, say something like "I just kicked world suck in the face" and see if people are really listening.
Anyway, that's not why I am writing this blog. The other day I liked a comment on Facebook. A simple enough jesture. It was a comment posted by Craig Deering on Evil Eguana Production's page. He was telling us fans that because the Allen and Craig show is ending (for those of you who aren't fans: One, you should be, two, the Allen and Craig show is made of awesome but Allen is leaving, so there are only three episodes left) and Craig and Tony are thinking of making a new show with the two of them. I liked it because I am excited for the new show. Someone commented on the post and said that I am a bitch for liking it because it is sad that the Allen and Craig show ending. I'll admit that at first I was a bit upset. I even thought up a response to it, telling her my reasons for liking the post and pretty much pwning her, however I didn't. I realized that it doesn't really matter what some chick who doesn't even know me thinks.
It took me all an hour to realize this, but I kept thinking about it anyway. I wondered why I had been so upset. It is true that I don't get insulted very often, but I have been insulted before and for much better reasons. Then I thought of something. Maybe the reason that this upset me so much is because I didn't deserve it. Usually when I am insulted I can admit that I deserved it (maybe not out loud, but at least to myself). It is when I don't deserve it that I get the most offended. It hurts a lot less, but I react more strongly. This is contrary to what I would have believed, but it does make sense. Logically, I feel like the true insults should offend me more. They point out a flaw in myself that lowers my value, something we are programmed to try and avoid. I would think that I would try harder to defend myself from something that poses a bigger threat.
However, the undeserved insult can be just as harmful. Just because it isn't true, doesn't mean people won't believe that it is. Just like girls who are called slut aren't usually sluts, but can still be labelled as so by their peers(great book: "Slut!" by Leora Tanenbaum). When it is not true, however, it can almost be more harmful. It is injust and made worse by the fact that we had no control over it. Since we did nothing to deserve it, we don't see how we could have prevented it. We feel even more provoked to protect our honour because it deserves to be protected.
I don't know, maybe these are just the ramblings of someone who doesn't particularly want to be called a bitch. But, really, can you blame me?
Oh, side note. I read an article today on bbc news online about these fossils that were found that are around 2 million years old. Professor Lee Berger talked to BBC news about it and said that he thinks that everyone is probably aware that our history of around 1.8 million years ago to 2 million years ago is fragmentary. First of all, I don't know who this "everyone" he is talking about is, because I didn't know that, and I am a nerdfighter. Secondly, fragmentary is a brilliant word! So much better than fragmented, and more grammatically correct! Boosch! haha. If you are interested in the article here it is:
Peace, Joe
Sorry, I have had a rediculous amount of conversations start out awkwardly lately becuase people respond like this. I do it too, but I think I am going to start answering in more exciting ways. You know, say something like "I just kicked world suck in the face" and see if people are really listening.
Anyway, that's not why I am writing this blog. The other day I liked a comment on Facebook. A simple enough jesture. It was a comment posted by Craig Deering on Evil Eguana Production's page. He was telling us fans that because the Allen and Craig show is ending (for those of you who aren't fans: One, you should be, two, the Allen and Craig show is made of awesome but Allen is leaving, so there are only three episodes left) and Craig and Tony are thinking of making a new show with the two of them. I liked it because I am excited for the new show. Someone commented on the post and said that I am a bitch for liking it because it is sad that the Allen and Craig show ending. I'll admit that at first I was a bit upset. I even thought up a response to it, telling her my reasons for liking the post and pretty much pwning her, however I didn't. I realized that it doesn't really matter what some chick who doesn't even know me thinks.
It took me all an hour to realize this, but I kept thinking about it anyway. I wondered why I had been so upset. It is true that I don't get insulted very often, but I have been insulted before and for much better reasons. Then I thought of something. Maybe the reason that this upset me so much is because I didn't deserve it. Usually when I am insulted I can admit that I deserved it (maybe not out loud, but at least to myself). It is when I don't deserve it that I get the most offended. It hurts a lot less, but I react more strongly. This is contrary to what I would have believed, but it does make sense. Logically, I feel like the true insults should offend me more. They point out a flaw in myself that lowers my value, something we are programmed to try and avoid. I would think that I would try harder to defend myself from something that poses a bigger threat.
However, the undeserved insult can be just as harmful. Just because it isn't true, doesn't mean people won't believe that it is. Just like girls who are called slut aren't usually sluts, but can still be labelled as so by their peers(great book: "Slut!" by Leora Tanenbaum). When it is not true, however, it can almost be more harmful. It is injust and made worse by the fact that we had no control over it. Since we did nothing to deserve it, we don't see how we could have prevented it. We feel even more provoked to protect our honour because it deserves to be protected.
I don't know, maybe these are just the ramblings of someone who doesn't particularly want to be called a bitch. But, really, can you blame me?
Oh, side note. I read an article today on bbc news online about these fossils that were found that are around 2 million years old. Professor Lee Berger talked to BBC news about it and said that he thinks that everyone is probably aware that our history of around 1.8 million years ago to 2 million years ago is fragmentary. First of all, I don't know who this "everyone" he is talking about is, because I didn't know that, and I am a nerdfighter. Secondly, fragmentary is a brilliant word! So much better than fragmented, and more grammatically correct! Boosch! haha. If you are interested in the article here it is:
Peace, Joe
02 April 2010
Wow, I Have No Life
It's Spring Break!!! YAY! No School! oh, but wait, I still have to work. And I am working an extra 15 hours this week. And I need to catch up on my reading for school, because I have gotten behind. Oh, and I need to do my taxes. And I need to clean my room (a big task). Wow, I have no life.
Haha. It's sad, but thankfully only partially true, because I do need to do all of those things, but I admittedly do have friends I plan on spending time with over break. And I am thinking about going and seeing How to Train Your Dragon, which I hear is excellent. Besides, I am a gamer, I have lots of lives. Ooh, shiny...hold on a second, I've got to go examine that, it is probably important...
Peace, Joe
Haha. It's sad, but thankfully only partially true, because I do need to do all of those things, but I admittedly do have friends I plan on spending time with over break. And I am thinking about going and seeing How to Train Your Dragon, which I hear is excellent. Besides, I am a gamer, I have lots of lives. Ooh, shiny...hold on a second, I've got to go examine that, it is probably important...
Peace, Joe
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